Cheese!

* * *Businessman (who had got on in life) – “Yes, when I first came to New York I had only a dollar in my pocket with which to make a start.”
Interviewer – “How did you invest that dollar?”
Businessman – “Used it to pay for a telegram home for more money.”

* * *Employee – “Sir, can you let me off tomorrow afternoon to go Christmas shopping with my wife?”
Employer – “Certainly not! We are too busy!”
Employee (much relieved) – “Thank you, sir, you are very kind!”

* * * A college freshman was being severely criticized by his professor.
“Your last paper was very difficult to read, ” said the professor.
“Your work should be so written that even the most ignorant will be able to understand it.”
“Yes, sir,” said the student. “What part didn’t you get?”

* * * Professor – “You missed my class yesterday, didn’t you?”
Unsubdued student – “Not in the least, sir, not in the least.”

* * * “There’s nothing like cheerfulness. I admire anyone who sings at his work.”
“How you must love a mosquito!”

Common claims

What advertisers say, and what they really mean.

New: The earlier model was a different colour.
All new: It's not compatible with earlier models.
Improved: It didn’t work the first time.
Years of development: We finally made one that works.
Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.
Futuristic: You will probably never figure out how it works.
Unmatched: This model is almost as good as our rival’s product.

* * * Two English teachers go into a restaurant and order drinks. Then they pull sandwiches from their pockets and start to eat. The restaurant owner says angrily, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”. So the teachers exchange sandwiches and continue eating.